Feng shui is a Chinese technique of harmonizing people with the surrounding environment. It is designed to empower everybody by improving every part of life, including relationships and overall well-being. Using principles of harmonization and energy flow, surroundings are enhanced and spiritual energy is redirected to ease and enhance the mind. Rumor has it that those who have spent years mastering the art are able to cripple others’ minds by manipulating currents of psychic energy. So here is an easy guide that can lead you on your way to becoming a master.
First off, you must invest in a water fountain. Essential to the Feng shui process is a water fountain placed near the door. The flowing energy of the water is imperative to the harmonization process, and it symbolizes cash – something you DO NOT want to put at risk.With that being said, be sure to invest in a top of the line fountain – don’t get one of those crappy pseudo-water pumps. Go to your local Home Depot, and pick out the most elaborate, expensive, gold-plated, too-large-to-bring-home fountains. (After all, we all know that expensive always means better quality) With this top quality fountain, you will feel your inner Asian spirit emerging in no time.
In Feng shui, it’s important to have the living environment feel open and flowing. Petty obstacles can prevent a smooth energy flow from occurring. In order to satisfy this key requirement, you’re going to want to rip the front door off your house. Some good methods to help violently remove that obnoxious door include hammering it out, burning it down (this is risky, as it could lead to your entire house catching on fire, but that could be great – more trivial obstacles like walls could be expelled to help the Feng shui spirit flow), or gunning it down. However, I believe that in order to best connect with the Asian spirit you should hire a sumo wrestler to body slam the door from the foundation of your house.
One of the most important tenets of Feng shui is the idea of encouraged learning. One way to show your avid thirst for knowledge is by placing books throughout your house. Place them at random locations: bookcases, end tables, windowsills, inside the fridge, even in the microwave. This display will help foster a comfortable, somewhat extreme learning environment – perfect for Feng shui. Another great way to help others feel relaxed in your learning environment is to constantly point out all your books to them. When guests walk through the hole in the front of your house, the first thing you say should be directed towards all your books. In following this advice, you will be sure to overwhelm your guests with your immense knowledge, thereby letting the learning foster in your home. Be encouraged when your friends reply with statements like, “Shut the f*** up, we know you read,” or, “You are actually so annoying,” because then you will know that they are going through an adjustment phase into Feng shui, and they will understand very soon.
If you follow all the tips and tricks on this page, you will surely become a more spiritually connected individual. In no time, you will see the beneficial effects of an ancient Chinese art on your fragile little soul. Not only will you become happier, but you will feel true serenity. As an added bonus, you will immensely devalue your house. Good luck!